What If There’s No Affection in Your Marriage? Here’s What the Research Says

I've lost count how many times I've heard something like this or similar from men. There's just not much affection anymore in my marriage. There's no more intimacy. We feel disconnected. And sometimes after that, something a little sharper comes out. Something like, I'm not gonna be the one always putting myself out there. If she's not giving anything back.

And listen, I get it. You reach for her and she's distracted. You lean in and she's tired. You try to say something loving and it kind of just lands flat. And after a while, something in you decides it's not worth it anymore, so you stop reaching. You stop touching, you stop saying the thing you were about to say because you're tired of feeling like the only one trying.

So you match her energy. If she's distant, you are distant. If she cools off, you cool off. It feels fair. It feels controlled. It feels like the right move in that moment. But here's the interesting part. There was a recent study that came out and this is what it was called, and stay with me. This is the actual name, but I'm gonna explain it.

It's called Affectionate Communication in Romantic Relationships: Are Relative Levels or Absolute Levels More Consequential. And if you hear that and think, I have no idea what that means, don't worry. I didn't either. So I had to dig into it. And what they were really asking was a very simple question.

When it comes to affection in a relationship, is it more important that couples match each other? That both people are giving about the same amount? Or is it better when there's just more affection overall in the relationship? Even if one person is doing more than the other.

And what they found out is big implications for guys who feel like affection has dried up in their marriage, because it turns out waiting for her to go first might be the very thing keeping your marriage cold.

In this episode, I'm going to break down what this study actually found in plain language, what affectionate communication really means, why matching her energy slowly cools your marriage, and why increasing your level of connection can improve the relationship for both of you. In real, measurable ways.

We're gonna talk about why going first changes your experience of the marriage, how it shifts hers, and what it looks like to move forward without feeling needy, fake, or like you're chasing.

If you feel like there's barely any affection left, if intimacy feels distant, if connection feels thin and you're not sure what to do next. This episode is for you. Stick around. You don't wanna miss this one.

[00:02:25] When You Decide to Stop Reaching

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

Now, I've shared a lot about my marriage on this podcast. There have been seasons where things felt strong, A lot of connection, a lot of intimacy, a lot of, I love you, a lot of leaning towards each other. And there have been seasons where that hasn't been the case.

Not huge disasters, not crisis mode, just distance. I remember a stretch not that long ago where things were technically fine. You know, we loved each other. If you had asked either of us, do you love your spouse? The answer would've been yes, without any hesitation, but it didn't feel like we were at our best.

Life was full, work was demanding, our son needed attention and affection. We were both carrying a lot. And somewhere in that busyness, the connection between us just thinned out. Not gone, just thinner.

And I remember one night, a couple months ago, after a long day of working with clients, handling things around the house, planning ahead for a trip, I was drained and she was drained too.

She was moving through the house, finishing up her day, focused, in her own rhythm, trying to close out whatever was still open. And I walked past her and there was a split second where I could have put my hand on her back or said something kind or pulled her into a quick hug and I didn't.

Because something in me looked at the energy between us and thought, well, she hasn't really been leaning in lately. Things haven't really felt that great. I don't wanna be the one having to do all of this. And it was a small decision, but underneath it, it was a bigger one.

I decided in that moment that I wasn't going to be the only one reaching. And the crazy part is that that decision felt justified. Here's what started happening. The longer I waited for her to warm up first, the colder I felt. The less I touched her. The less I felt connected. The less I said, I love you in passing.

And at some point I had to get honest with myself. If both of us are waiting, who's going to move? If both of us are matching distance, what exactly are we doing? And so I realized I had two options. Option one, keep score. Option two, go first. Not in a, I'll do this for a week and see if she matches me way, but in a committed, steady way.

So I started reintroducing warmth. A soft touch on her arm or on her shoulder, A kiss that I would've skipped the day before. A quick, Hey, thanks for all you did today. Writing her a short note before I left for my day, doing something for her that she didn't expect.

Small things, consistent things, and something happened. First in me. I felt more connected. I felt more generous. I felt less guarded. The marriage didn't feel like a standoff anymore. And then slowly over time, I started feeling it from her too. And it wasn't because I demanded it, or I confronted her about it, or I set an ultimatum, but because the energy between us changed.

And generally this is something we both do. If one of us pulls away, the other one brings warmth back in. We both play a part in making sure our marriage is strong. And when I learned more about this study on affectionate communication, I had this moment of recognition because what they found in the research is exactly what I experienced in my own marriage.

Going first matters because that one decision can change the system.

[00:05:50] What Affection Really Means (According to the Study)

But before we go any further, we need to get clear on what this study is actually talking about, because when you hear the phrase affectionate communication, it can sound vague or confusing or overly emotional or like something that doesn't apply to you.

So let's simplify it. The researchers, Kory Floyd, Lisa van Raalte, and Colin Hesse, and I hope I'm saying those names right,. Weren't studying grand romantic moments. They weren't measuring anniversary trips or birthday surprises. They were looking at everyday signals, and they described three main categories.

The first verbal affection. Saying, I love you, saying, I appreciate you complimenting her. Speaking with warmth instead of just efficiency. Not just communicating information, but communicating care. There's a difference between did you pick up the kids . And hey, thanks for taking care of so much today. I really appreciate it.

Then there was non-verbal communication. Touch, hugs, kisses a hand on her as you pass by, sitting next to her instead of across the room. It's physical closeness. that signals were good.

And then there's what they described as supportive acts that communicate affection, not just chores or responsibilities, but small things that carry intention. Packing something for her when she didn't ask. Texting her in the middle of the day just to check in, taking something off her plate and saying, I've got this.

All of those examples are affectionate communication. Now, here's where a lot of men get it wrong. We tend to think affection is a personality trait. You think things like, she's just more affectionate than me, or, I'm not wired that way, or I'm not the touchy feely type.

But the study doesn't frame affection as a personality trait. It frames it as a behavior. Something observable, something measurable, something you can increase. And that's important because if it's personality, you're stuck with what you've got. But if it's behavior, you have influence.

So picture this, you walk past your wife in the living room and there's that split second where you could reach out and touch her. And your brain runs a calculation. Is she in a good mood? Has she been warm lately? Will this feel awkward? Am I gonna get rejected? And sometimes you just keep walking. Because you don't wanna get it wrong or get rejected or simply do something that feels stupid. That hesitation, that tiny moment, that's where affectionate communication either happens or doesn't.

Or maybe it's verbal. You think about saying, Hey, you look really nice today. Something in you says that feels weird or that feels forced, so you stop yourself. And the relationship stays exactly where it's at. Maybe it doesn't obviously get worse, but it definitely doesn't get better.

We often think affection is supposed to feel spontaneous. Like if it's real, it will just come naturally. But what if warmth is something you practice? What if affection isn't about waiting for a feeling but creating one?

Because here's the part that stood out to me when I read this study. They weren't asking who is naturally more affectionate. They were asking what happens to the relationship when affectionate behavior increases? That changes the whole conversation. It's not about who you are, it's about what you do.

And if you're listening to this thinking, yeah, but if I do all that and she doesn't respond well, I want you to hold onto that thought. We're getting there. But first you have to see this clearly.

Affection isn't theatrical, it isn't personality driven. It's small, repeatable signals of desire, of love, of connection. And small repeatable signals are exactly the kind of thing you can choose. That's where this study starts to get interesting because once you see affection as behavior and not identity, you realize something uncomfortable and empowering at the same time.

You actually can do something about this. It might be hard, it might be awkward at first, but it clearly shows that you have more impact than you think

[00:09:39] Matching Energy vs. Moving First

Now, here's the question the researchers were actually asking, and I love how academic it sounds because it hides something really simple. Again, the title was Affectionate Communication in Romantic Relationships: Are Relative Levels or Absolute Levels more Consequential. Translated into normal language. Is it better when couples match each other's level of affection, or is it better when there's just more affection overall?

In other words, is fairness what makes a marriage feel strong or is the total amount of affection what makes it feel strong? Does it have to be 50 50 or could it be 70 30? That's the real question. Because if you're like most men I work with you don't consciously think I'm going to match her level of affection. It just happens.

She's been distant lately, so you ease off. She hasn't reached for you much, so you stop reaching. She hasn't said much that fills you up, so you keep it neutral. You don't call it retaliation, you call it balance.

But here's what the study found. When researchers looked at couples and measured their affection and communication, which we just defined a little while ago, the stronger predictor of a strong relationship wasn't how closely the two people matched each other, it was the total level of affection in the relationship.

In their words. Not relative. Absolute .

More overall warmth predicted better relationship quality. So two people who are equally low in affection, not great. Two people who are equally moderate, better. One person higher, one person lower, but overall affection elevated. Still better than two people staying so-so and equal.

That's the important finding. Matching doesn't build connection. Higher levels of warmth does, and that can be confronting because the fairness reflex is strong in us. You feel the imbalance and something inside you says, I'm not gonna be the only one doing this.

You don't wanna look needy. You don't wanna look like you're chasing. You don't wanna feel rejected, so you pull back just enough to protect yourself. And here's what's happening underneath that. When you reduce affection to stay even, you're contributing to it, not going anywhere. That's what happens when both people respond to distance with distance.

Raising the overall warmth in the relationships matters more than maintaining equal level. Now I get it. Let me say out loud what you're probably thinking. You're telling me I have to be the one to carry all the weight of showing affection here. She doesn't have to do any of it, and it's all on me. I have to sacrifice. That doesn't feel right.

Here's what I wanna say to that. I don't want you to think that I'm telling you this is your job for the rest of your life. I'm not suggesting imbalance forever. I'm not suggesting you ignore chronic one sidedness. I'm not suggesting you tolerate long-term rejection, but in the everyday ebb and flow of a marriage, the busy seasons, the tired nights, the small disconnections. Waiting for equality keeps the system stuck.

I've seen this over and over with the men I coach. A man might say, I tried, but she didn't respond. And when we dig a little deeper, tried usually means he leaned in for a few days, maybe a week, maybe two. He watched carefully. He looked for the immediate return, and when it didn't show up the way he expected, he stopped. He went back to the way things were. And the relationship went right back to where it was.

The research backs up something I've been telling men for years. If you want a warmer marriage, someone has to bring warmth into the room. Consistently. And so if that's true, then the question shifts from is she matching me to, how am I contributing to the level of connection and intimacy of this marriage?

That's a harder question. Because it puts the influence back in your hands. You can't control her responses. You can't control her mood, and you can't control how quickly she reciprocates. But you can control whether you add warmth or you withdraw it.

[00:13:30] You Feel It First — The "Actor Effect"

Here's the part that surprised a lot of people when this research came out. It wasn't just that affectionate communication improved the relationship overall, it actually improved the experience of the person giving the higher levels of affection.

In research language, they call this the actor effect. Plain English? When you increase your affectionate behavior, you report higher relationship satisfaction. You. Not just her. And that's important because a lot of men are waiting to feel more connected before they act more connected.

You tell yourself that you'll be warmer when you feel closer, or you'll reach out more when you feel wanted, or you'll say more when you feel more. But the study suggests something totally different. The behavior itself shifts your experience.

So let me break that down a little more. Think about the last time you felt close to your wife. Chances are you weren't sitting across the room with your arms crossed waiting. You were leaning in, you were touching, you were speaking warmly, you were engaged.

And when you do those things consistently, something changes in you. You soften. Your nervous system relaxes. You interpret her tone differently. You become more attuned to her energy. You're less likely to turn something small into something big, and that's real relational work.

But here's where men stall out. When affection feels one-sided, you slowly start pulling back. And what often happens is you feel worse. More disconnected, more critical, more distant. You stop touching her. You stop affirming her. You stop leaning in, and then you conclude. See, we're not that close anymore.

But what the research describes as the Actor Effect suggests your behavior is part of what's shaping the feeling. And that's confronting because it means your own satisfaction isn't only dependent on her, it's influenced by how you show up.

I see this in my own marriage. When I get busy, distracted or guarded, I feel less connected. Not because she did something. Because I stopped prioritizing her. And when I reintroduce it, even before I fully feel it, I experience it in me first. I feel more open. I feel more relaxed, more engaged, more steady.

And I also see this in my coaching constantly. A guy starts practicing consistent affectionate communication , and he says I actually feel better before his wife even changes. Before she starts initiating more, before there's some big romantic turnaround, he feels better. He feels proud of how he's showing up. He wants to do it more. That's the actor effect.

Your affectionate behavior isn't just a gift to her. It changes your internal experience of the marriage, and that's big. Because it means you don't have to wait for the perfect conditions to start feeling more connected. You influence your own experience through your behavior.

Now, this doesn't mean you ignore serious issues. It doesn't mean you fake intimacy where there's deep, unresolved pain, but in the normal ups and downs of marriage, your behavior plays a bigger role than you think. If you wanna feel closer, act closer. If you want to feel warmer, signal warmth. That's what the research is saying when it describes the actor effect.

When affectionate communication increases, the person doing more of it. It often reports higher satisfaction. You don't wait to feel it. You practice it and feeling often follows.

[00:16:49] How Your Affection Changes Her Experience — The "Partner Effect"

Now let's look at what happens for her when you lead the relationship towards more closeness, because this isn't just how you feel when you increase affection. The study also looked at what they called the Partner Effect. In simple terms, when one person increases affection or communication, does it impact the other person's experience of the relationship?

And in many areas, the answer was yes. When one person shows more love, the other person feels better about the relationship. So your affection doesn't just shift your internal state. It influences how she experiences the marriage, which feels kind of obvious, but let's be real about this.

This is not a guarantee of instant reciprocity. It's not a strategy to get her back. It's not do this for three days and she'll melt. But it's influence.

Think about how quickly energy spreads in a room. If things feel distant and disconnected, both of you move carefully. Shorter answers, less touch, less intimacy. But when you consistently turns toward her and lean in, whether that's a hand on her, a steady appreciation, a longer hug, it all changes. Not instantly, but gradually. She feels seen. She feels considered, she feels less alone in the marriage. She feels loved and cared for.

And that doesn't mean everything in the marriage that was hard, suddenly disappears. But the edge softens. And when the edge softens, it becomes easier for her to lean in. And when you're both committed to the marriage and feeling connected, then you can focus on what needs to happen for deeper healing.

To boil it all down into something simple, the studies findings support this. Increasing affectionate communication is linked to higher relationship quality for you and for her too. And so you have to own that your behavior shapes the experience of the relationship for both of you. But again, this doesn't solve everything.

If there's deep betrayal, longstanding resentment, or real emotional shutdown, affection alone isn't the full answer. But in a marriage that feels slightly disconnected, slightly cool, slightly flat, a affection is a factor that you can control. Even if you can't control how quickly she responds, you can change what you consistently bring into the relationship.

And over time, that changes the experience of being in it.

[00:19:04] Awareness, Action, Accountability

So let's make it practical for you, just like we do in every episode. We're going to close with awareness, action, and accountability.

For awareness. I want you to sit with this question. When you feel disconnected from her, do you move toward her or do you wait for her to move toward you?

Now, don't answer this quickly. Think about last week or the week before that. Think about, the last moment you felt that tightening in your chest, that split second where you could have reached out and didn't. Do you bring warmth into that moment or do you match the distance? The answer tells you a lot about your contribution.

For action, keep this simple. This isn't about a huge personality overhaul or transformation. It's just about small repeatable signals.

One, add one verbal appreciation every day. And don't make it generic. Be specific, right? I appreciate you handling that. Or you look beautiful. Say it out loud. Let her really feel it.

Two, add one physical touchpoint every day. A hand on her shoulder, a longer hug, a kiss that doesn't feel rushed. Nothing big or dramatic, just intentional.

Three, add one small supportive act that carries warmth. Take something off her plate and tell her you got it. Do something thoughtful that says, I'm thinking about you.

Four, track what you contribute, not what she returns for the next week. Don't measure her response. Measure your consistency. That's it. Small signals daily.

And then, evaluate honestly. How do you feel? How does the marriage feel? What would it look like to continue doing this even if you haven't gotten the result you expected yet?

And finally we close on accountability. If you're listening to this and thinking, I know I should do this, but when I feel rejected, I shut down. That's normal. That's also where most men give up and believe things will never change, and that belief is what ultimately kills your marriage. If you're ready to turn awareness and action into something consistent, something supported, that's exactly what we do inside Better Husband Academy.

We practice this in real time, we work through the hesitation. We build a steadiness and you don't have to do it alone. So go to betterhusbandacademy.com to find out more.

[00:21:17] Affection Isn’t Something You Wait For

If there's one thing I want you to take away from this episode, it's this affection isn't something you wait for, it's something you bring.

Raise the level of connection first and watch what changes.

You're listening to Better Husband. I wanna say thank you for being here and doing this work. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.