When Your Wife Loves Something You Don’t—Now What?

[00:00:00] The Love Venn Diagram

Now, this might sound silly, but picking a movie shouldn't feel like a relationship stress test. And somehow it does. You're scrolling through the options. She's suggesting something she's excited about. You already know you're probably not gonna like it.

And before anyone says anything out loud. Something shifts. Her energy dips just a little. You feel yourself disengaged just a little, and suddenly this small, ordinary moment carries way more weight than it should, and it's not really about the movie, it's about what happens when one of you lights up and the other one doesn't quite know how to be there with it.

I hear versions of this all the time. A wife wants to talk about something she loves, something she's excited about, and she can feel that her husband is listening but not really with her. Or a husband gets excited about something sports fitness work, a show an idea, and he can tell his wife isn't interested, and instead of letting it be okay, he starts making it mean something about him or about the relationship.

And over time, something uncomfortable starts to happen. One person shares a little less, the other person pulls back a little more, and the overlap, the shared joy, the shared energy, the sense of us starts to shrink.

Here's the thing though. A strong marriage doesn't require you to love the same things. It doesn't require you to have identical interest or to force enthusiasm where it doesn't exist. What it does require is learning how to stay connected inside the differences instead of letting those differences create. Distance.

In this episode, I wanna talk about something I think every marriage lives inside of, whether you've ever named it or not.

I think of it like a love Venn diagram, and in case you're not a bit of a nerd like me or you can't remember back to grade school, a Venn diagram are those two circles that overlap. Each circle has its own space, and then in the middle is the part they share in common. The overlap shows what belongs to both, and everything outside of that overlap is where they're different.

Now, that's how I think about a marriage. There's your circle. The things that fill you up, bring you joy, help you feel alive. There's her circle, the things that light her up, that matter deeply to her. And then there's the overlap, the shared space where your marriage actually thrives.

We're going to talk about how to stop taking a personally when your wife doesn't share your interests, how to honor and even enjoy her excitement without pretending to love the things that she loves. Why it matters that you keep investing in your own joy as a man. And we're going to talk about how to intentionally grow that shared space between you.

Because the goal isn't to collapse your circles into one, and it's not to drift so far apart that you're living separate lives. The goal is to build a marriage where individuality and togetherness actually strengthen each other.

By the end of this episode, you'll have a clearer way to think about connection, difference and shared joy and how small intentional moments can make your marriage feel lighter, warmer, and more alive again.

Stick around. You don't wanna miss this one

[00:03:00] How I Handled the Differences in My Marriage

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

One of the places this love Venn Diagram shows up most clearly in my marriage, is something incredibly ordinary.

Movies. My wife and I have very different nervous systems when it comes to what we enjoy watching. She's sensitive. Intense movies can feel like too much for her body. She loves romantic movies, lighter shows. Things that feel warm or tender or emotionally safe.

And I don't naturally gravitate there. I like action. I like intensity. I like the kind of movie where things are moving fast, where there's conflict, where there's something at stake. And for a long time this difference felt annoying in a way I couldn't really explain. It wasn't a big deal. It was just this friction that showed up every time we sat down to watch something together.

And if I'm honest, there were moments where I made it mean more than it needed to. Why don't we ever watch what I want? Why does this always feel like a compromise? Nothing I said out loud, just the story running quietly in the background. But over time, something changed for me.

There were nights where I'd suggest a movie I already knew she was going to love, and I'd go into it not pretending it was my favorite. Not forcing myself to feel something I didn't, but genuinely choosing to be there with her. And I noticed something surprising. I didn't need to love the movie to enjoy the experience. What I actually enjoyed was watching her enjoy it. Seeing her relax, seeing her laugh, seeing her soften, feeling her lean a little closer to me because she felt seen and considered.

That was the overlap, the experience of being together in it. And then there are other times where I'll say, Hey, go watch your own show. Really enjoy it. I'm gonna go do my thing for a bit. And she's totally fine with that. No resentment, no tension. Just two people giving each other space without disconnecting. That's important. Because shared joy doesn't mean constant togetherness. It means intentional togetherness.

Another small example that might sound silly but actually matters a lot for us is how we text. Like a lot of couples, our texts can be very logistical schedules, pickups, reminders, planning, coordination, life management.

They're necessary, but they're flat. So somewhere along the way, we started sending each other gifs or gifs, if you wanna call it that. Just funny, ridiculous, perfectly timed little moments. Something that says, I'm thinking of you without needing a whole paragraph.

And what's wild is how much connection lives there. It's something we kept doing because it fed the overlap. It added lightness, it added play. It added a shared language.

Now, zooming out from my marriage for a second, I wanna talk about something else that matters here. Your own circle. When I was younger, the things that filled me up looked very different. It was going out bars, parties, late nights, and all that felt fun and energizing at the time, and I don't do those things anymore. Not because they were wrong, but because I've grown, I've changed.

Now the things that fill me up look like going to the gym. I play soccer with other guys. I have a men's group chat that makes me laugh and also shows up when I need support. I like watching sports, racing, UFC football. My wife doesn't love those things, and that's okay.

She understands that those things matter to me. She doesn't try to compete with them. She doesn't take them personally, and I don't hide them or feel guilty about enjoying them because when I take care of my own joy, I show up differently in my marriage.

I'm more present. I'm less resentful. I have more to give. And in return I need to understand what matters to her, what fills her up, what she needs space for, what she wants to share with me. Not because I love the thing, but because she loves it.

So in this episode, I wanna give you a clear way to think about it. Three spaces every marriage lives inside of. Your circle, her circle, and the overlap. And more importantly, how learning to honor all three is what allows a marriage to feel both spacious and deeply connected. So let's dive in

[00:07:00] Three Circles Every Marriage Lives Inside

Every marriage lives inside of three different spaces, whether you've ever defined them or not. There's your circle, the things that energize you, the things that help you feel like yourself, the places you go to reset, to feel alive, to feel steady again. Then there's her circle, the things that matter to her, the interests, the rhythms, the moments that bring her joy, comfort, excitement, or meaning.

And then there's the overlap. The shared space where you both feel connected, the thing you enjoyed together, the rituals, the humor, the conversations, the moments that feel like us. If you keep that love Venn Diagram picture in mind, these three spaces make a lot more sense. And that overlap is where your marriage actually lives.

It's where inside jokes form, it's where laughter feels easy and connection feels natural, and the parts outside the overlap, they're simply the places where you're different. Different interests, different wiring, different ways of finding joy. The mistake a lot of couples make is thinking the goal is to eliminate those differences or to drag each other into the same circle, but that's not how a healthy relationship works.

The goal is to understand them, respect them, and then intentionally grow the space in the middle. The problem I see is that some couples try to force the circles on top of each other. They believe that if we really loved each other, we'd want the same things. We'd enjoy the same activities, care about the same topics all the time. And when that doesn't happen, it feels disappointing or confusing.

Other couples swing the opposite direction. They retreat into their own circles. He does his thing, she does hers. And the overlap slowly gets smaller. And neither approach works. A healthy marriage isn't about collapsing your circles into one, and it's not about living separate lives under the same roof.

It's about learning how to honor all three spaces at the same time. And here's the important part. The overlap doesn't grow on its own. Life doesn't naturally push couples towards shared joy. It pushes you towards responsibility, stress, schedules, and survival. And if you're not paying attention, the overlap shrinks.

So the question isn't, do we have different interests? The real question is, how do we relate to those differences? Do they become points of tension or do they become places where generosity, curiosity, and intention show up? Because when a marriage is working well, these three circles don't compete with each other. They support each other.

Your own joy makes you a better partner. Respecting her joy builds safety and closeness and feeding the overlap keeps the relationship feeling alive. That's the foundation.

And once you see these three spaces, clearly a lot of confusion starts to disappear. You stop trying to make your wife be more like you. You stop taking it personally where she doesn't love what you love, and you start making more intentional choices about where your energy goes.

Now, in this next part, I wanna talk about one of the most common places men get tripped up inside this dynamic. What happens when your wife doesn't share your excitement? And how quickly can that turn into something personal if you're not careful?

[00:10:03] When Her Disinterest Starts to Feel Personal

One of the quickest ways this Venn diagram gets messy is when her disinterest starts to feel personal. You get excited about something, you want to talk about it, you wanna share it, and you can tell she's listening, but she's not really with you. She's polite, she's there, but the energy isn't met.

And if you're not careful, your mind fills in the gap. You start telling yourself a story that she doesn't care, she's not interested in me. What I like doesn't matter. Again, nothing you say out loud, just the internal commentary running quietly in the background. And here's what's important to name: that reaction is human.

Wanting your excitement to be met makes sense. Wanting to feel seen and received by your wife makes sense. The problem isn't that you feel something in that moment. The problem is what happens when you let that feeling turn into meaning. Because most of the time her lack of enthusiasm isn't a rejection, it's just difference.

She's wired differently. She enjoys different things. Her nervous system responds to different kinds of input. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. It means she's not living inside your circle in that moment.

And when we confuse not sharing an interest with not being loved, we create distance that doesn't need to exist. This is where a lot of men shut down. They stop sharing the things they're excited about. They stop inviting their wife into their world, or they keep sharing, but with an edge. A little defensiveness, a little sarcasm, a little withdrawal underneath it.

None of that builds connection. But there's another move available here. Instead of asking, why doesn't she care about this the way I do? The more useful question is, can I let this be okay without making it mean something about me or us? That's the shift. It's the difference between needing her to validate your joy and trusting that your joy is allowed to exist even if it's not shared.

And here's something else that's important. When you're well fed by your own life when your circle is full, her disinterest doesn't land the same way. It doesn't feel like rejection. It just feels like what it is, difference. But when your circle is thin, when you're tired, disconnected, or relying on the relationship to meet all your emotional needs, that same moment can feel heavy.

So part of not taking this personally is learning to regulate yourself in the moment. To notice the story, starting to form and choosing not to run with it. Not to shut your feelings down, not to pretend you don't care, but to stay grounded enough to say this doesn't have to be a problem. And the more you practice that, the more space opens up for generosity for her and for yourself.

Because once you stop taking her disinterest personally, you stop demanding that she meet you in your circle, and that frees you up to meet her in hers. Not out of obligation, but out of choice.

[00:12:45] Learning to Love Her Joy, Even When It’s Not Your Thing

Because once you stop taking it personally, when she doesn't share your excitement, it opens the door to something really important.

You can start learning how to love her joy, even when the thing itself isn't your thing. This is where a lot of men get tripped up because we think that we're being asked to fake interest. To pretend we love the show, the hobby, the topic, the thing she's excited about, and that's not what this is. You don't need to love the thing. You need to learn how to love her while she loves it. There's a big difference.

When your wife talks about something that lights her up, she's not always looking for agreement or shared enthusiasm. A lot of the time, she's simply inviting you into her experience, and when she feels you checking out, minimizing, or tolerating it, instead of engaging with her, she can feel alone.

But when you stay present, even in small ways, something different can happen. You don't have to ask a million questions or suddenly become passionate about the topic. What matters is your posture. Your tone, your body language, your willingness to stay with her excitement instead of pulling away from it.

Can you notice the way her face changes when she talks about it? The energy in her voice, the way she leans in. That's the moment you're responding to, not the show or the hobby. Her. And this is one of the simplest but most powerful ways to build connection in a marriage, choosing to turn toward her joy instead of away from it.

Because what she feels in those moments isn't he finally likes what I like. It's I matter to him. And those moments stack. They build safety, warmth, and trust, and they expand the overlap. And this is also where generosity shows up in a marriage. Generosity in attention, in presence, in emotional availability.

You're not giving up your own circle to do this. You're not erasing yourself. You're simply choosing to meet her where she is for a few minutes.

And the paradox is this. The more willing you are to stay present with her joy, the less pressure there is for you to share everything. It actually creates more freedom, not less. Because she doesn't need you to be the same as her. She needs you to be with her. And when that becomes the goal, the marriage starts to feel a lot lighter.

Now, in this next part, I wanna talk about why your own joy still matters just as much, and how taking care of it is one of the most overlooked ways men bring more life into their marriage.

[00:15:02] Why Your Own Joy Matters More Than You Think

Because your own joy matters, not as an escape from your marriage or a way to avoid your wife, but because it directly affects how you show up inside the relationship.

A lot of men don't intentionally choose to become dull or checked out. It's more like life gets intense and little by little the parts of you that feel energized start getting squeezed out. Work takes more, responsibility takes more, parenting takes more. And the free space where you used to feel like yourself starts to shrink.

And when your own circle gets thin, you bring that into your marriage, even if you don't mean to. You're more easily irritated. Your patience is shorter. It's harder to be generous. And then the marriage starts feeling like one more place you're supposed to perform. That's when a lot of guys start quietly resenting their wife for not being the source of their recharge. But your wife was never meant to carry that job.

A strong marriage works better when both of you have a life that feeds you because then you're not coming to each other empty, hoping the other person will fill the tank.

And I'll tell you what this looks like in my own life without rehashing the whole list. There are a few places where I get to feel focused, challenged, and grounded. There are places where I get to laugh with other men, move my body, reset my mind, and remember I'm more than a worker, a provider, a problem solver.

When I get that consistently, I come home different. I'm not looking for my wife to rescue me for my stress. I'm not taking it personally when she's not into the exact thing I'm into. I'm just steadier. And that steadiness changes everything because when you have a healthy relationship with your own circle, your wife's circle stops feeling like competition.

It stops feeling like something you have to tolerate. You can respect it without feeling threatened by it. And the overlap becomes something you choose with a full heart, not something you demand because you feel empty. So if you want the overlap to grow. This is part of the work. Keep your own circle alive.

You're not pulling away from your marriage by doing that. You're bringing more of yourself back into it. And in the next part, I wanna talk about how the overlap actually expands through small moments you add on purpose, daily and weekly, so shared joy becomes the place your marriage returns to again and again.

[00:17:17] Expanding the Overlap: How Shared Joy Actually Grows

So if the overlap is where marriage really lives, the question becomes simple. How do you grow it? This is where a lot of couples overcomplicate things. They think growing connection means, date nights have to be big, intentional, expensive, or perfectly planned, or they think that it has to be some deep emotional conversation every time. And when that feels unrealistic, they stop trying altogether

But that's not how shared joy actually grows. And the truth is that the overlap expands through small, repeatable moments. That might look like a shared routine. Something simple you do most days or most weeks. It might be a walk after dinner, a show you only watch together. A few minutes in the morning before the day gets started. A way you reconnect at night that doesn't involve logistics or problem solving.

It might be humor, inside jokes, sending each other something funny during the day, a small moment of play that reminds you you're on the same team. None of these things are impressive on their own, but they compound. When couples tell me they feel distant, it's usually not because they stopped loving each other, it's because the overlap hasn't been fed in a long time.

Everything else took priority, and here's the important part. You don't need hours. You just need consistency. Five minutes done regularly does more for a marriage than one big effort done occasionally. Shared joy grows when it's part of the rhythm of your life, not something you only reach for when things feel off.

Sometimes the most connecting thing you can do is something light, something easy, something that doesn't ask anything from either of you except presence. That's how the overlap becomes a place you both want to return to. And when that shared space is alive, a lot of pressure comes off the rest of the relationship. Differences feel easier to hold.

Time apart doesn't feel like distance because you know where you come back to. That's what you're building here. A shared center that's fed often enough to stay warm.

[00:19:10] Reflection Question

So now that you have this picture of the Love Venn diagram in mind, your circle, her circle, and the overlap, I want you to pause for a moment just to see what's already there.

It is easy to notice the differences. It's easy to notice what you don't share, what feels mismatched, what creates friction. But it's more important to recognize what's already bringing you together.

So I want you to sit with this one question and I want you to answer it honestly.

What are one to three things you and your wife do together right now that make you feel connected, bring you both joy and genuinely elevate your relationship?

That's the overlap. Those moments, however small they might seem are where your marriage already works.

And once you can see them clearly, you can start feeding them on purpose.

[00:19:56] Action Steps

So now let's talk about what to actually do with this. Nothing complicated or overwhelming. Just a few intentional moves you can make this week that support all three parts of the loved Venn diagram.

First, take one of the things you named earlier, one of those moments where you and your wife already feel connected and say it out loud. Let her know you've noticed. Keep it simple and genuine. Something like, I've been thinking about how much I really enjoy our walks after dinner, or I realize how much I value the way we laugh together at night. And then this week, create space for that moment on purpose. Put it on your calendar if you need to. Don't wait for it to happen naturally. Decide that it matters enough to make room for.

Second, pay attention to something that lives in her circle, something that lights her up, even if it's not something that excites you. You don't need to fake interest and you don't need to perform enthusiasm. Just notice her joy.

Notice what changes in her when she talks about it, and see if you can respond with genuine excitement for her, not about the thing but about her. Let her feel that you're glad she has something that fills her up.

And third, make sure you are also tending to your own circle this week. Give some energy to something that grounds you. Fills you up or reminds you who you are. Not as a way to pull away from your marriage, but so you come back to it steadier more present and with more to give.

These aren't big changes, but when you do them consistently, they're the kind of small, intentional choices that strengthen a marriage over time.

[00:21:22] Closing Takeaway

Here's what I want you to take away from this episode.

You don't have to love the same things. To have a strong marriage, you just have to learn how to stay connected inside the differences. Your joy matters, her joy matters, and the space you share matters more than you might realize.

When you stop taking difference personally, when you learn to appreciate her excitement without needing to share it, and when you feed the overlap in small, intentional ways, your marriage starts to feel lighter, warmer and more alive. And it doesn't require more effort or big changes. It requires attention, generosity, and the willingness to keep returning to the shared space you've built together.

That's how a marriage grows, not by becoming the same, but by choosing each other again and again right in the middle.

So thanks for spending this time with me. You've been listening to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.