The Marriage You Want Comes Down to These Three Steps

[00:00:00] You Know What To Do… So Why Don’t You Do It?

Have you ever felt so sure about the exact thing you need to do to improve your marriage? Maybe it's late at night, the house is finally quiet. Maybe you're in the kitchen cleaning up, or you're sitting on the edge of the bed scrolling, or you just finished listening to a podcast episode that really hit, and in that moment you feel clear.

You're thinking, okay, I see it now. You can name the pattern, you can see why you get defensive, why you shut down. You can even see how your past still shows up in your marriage. There's relief in that, like you finally found the thread and then the next day comes, your wife makes a comment, not even a big one.

Maybe she gives you a look or asks you a question. Something lands the wrong way, and before you even realize what's happening, you're right back in it. You're explaining, defending, pulling away, or getting short, going quiet, and later on you catch yourself thinking, what the heck just happened? Because you do know better now, so why does this still feel like you turn into the same guy when things get hard?

And that's when the frustration sets in. The kind where you start wondering if something is wrong with you or if you're just not wired for this, or if you're missing something that other men seem to have.

So let me tell you what I think is happening. This isn't about effort, it's not about intelligence, and it's not about caring more.

Most men aren't stuck because they don't want a better marriage. They're stuck because they're doing one part of the process and expecting it to do all the work. And real change in a marriage actually requires three things.

In this episode, I'm going to walk you through the three steps to truly create the marriage you want and become the husband you want to be. Awareness, action, and accountability. I'm going to help you understand what each one looks like in real life and how to tell which one you are missing right now, so you can stop stalling out and start moving forward in a way that actually holds.

Stick around. You don't wanna miss this one.

Welcome to Better Husband, the podcast that helps you answer the question, how can I be a better husband? I'm Angelo Santiago, a men's marriage and relationship coach, and every week I bring you practical insights to help you strengthen your marriage and become the best husband you can be.

[00:02:10] The Three Things That Make Change Stick

Now, as I was closing out last year, I spent some time doing something a little different than usual. I went back and looked at everything. Every podcast episode I've recorded, every email I've received from men listening to the show, questions, reflections, frustrations, all the one-on-one coaching calls I did, the office hours inside of Better Husband Academy, and honestly, a lot of moments from my own marriage too.

I wasn't doing this to critique myself or come up with new content. I was trying to answer a simpler question. If I had to boil all of this down, the learning, the mistakes, the growth, the setbacks, the progress, how would I describe the process of becoming a better husband? Not the advice, not the tools, not the concepts, the process.

How does a man actually change the way he shows up? How does a relationship shift in a lasting way? And the more I spent with that question, the clearer the answer became. There are three components that have to be there, not two, not one, all three. I started thinking about it like a three-legged table. If one leg is missing, it doesn't work.

If you've got two, it might stand for a moment, but it's unstable. You can't really build anything on top of it. But when all three are there, that's when there's steadiness. That's when there's room to build something real. And if I had to say it simply as possible, it would be this. It's understanding yourself and what's really needed.

It's taking the right actions based on that understanding, and it's getting the support and accountability to keep you going when things get hard. That's it. I started calling this the Triple A model, awareness, action, and Accountability.

So from here I wanna break down each one and why they matter on their own and why they matter even more together.

[00:03:53] Awareness — Seeing Yourself Clearly

So let's start with awareness, because awareness is where almost every man starts, and that's not a bad thing.

It's the shift from reacting inside the pattern to actually noticing the. Pattern. It's the moment you realize, oh, this isn't about what she said. This is about what I do when I feel criticized. Or this isn't really anger. This is me shutting down because I don't know what to say. Or I keep telling myself I'm calm, but I'm really just checked out.

You start to see yourself more honestly. You start to see how you handle pressure, how you respond when you feel misunderstood. How. Quickly, you move into explaining, fixing, or withdrawing. You start to see how your upbringing shaped what feels normal to you in conflict, intimacy and closeness. And you start to hear your wife differently, not just her words, but what she's actually asking for underneath them. What she's frustrated about. What she's tired of repeating. What she's stopped asking for altogether.

This podcast, what you're doing right now is part of that awareness. The reflection questions, the moments you catch yourself and think, I've done this before. For a lot of men, this is the first time they've ever slowed down long enough to actually see what's happening instead of just powering through it.

Here's where awareness turns into a trap. Awareness feels like progress, so it's easy to stay here, to keep learning, keep reflecting, keep understanding yourself better without realizing that nothing is actually changing at home. Because your wife doesn't live with your awareness, she lives with how you respond when you're tired, when you're stressed, when the conversation goes sideways, when she brings something up for the third time.

When you feel exposed or unsure or like you're failing, that's where awareness alone runs out. If you're always understanding the pattern after the fact or explaining it to yourself later, or saying, yeah, I see it now, but the same thing keeps happening, that's when you've reached the limit of what awareness can get you.

Now let me be real clear. That doesn't mean awareness is useless. It means it was never meant to be the whole thing. Awareness is the doorway, not the destination.

It shows you what's happening and why, but it can't carry the weight of change by itself. And this is where a lot of men plateau. They know more than they ever have, they see themselves more clearly than they ever have, and they're frustrated because the marriage. Still feels the same. And that frustration is information.

It's telling you that awareness has done its job and it's time for the next step. Action.

[00:06:28] Action — Doing the Right Thing, Not Just Doing Something

But before we talk action, I wanna be clear about one thing. Because if you've listened to a handful of these episodes, especially last weeks, you've heard me say this in different ways. Taking action without awareness can actually make your marriage worse.

Not because action is bad, but because when you're not grounded, when you're not clear on what's really happening in the moment, you tend to take the wrong kind of action. You take action to get rid of your own discomfort. You take action to manage the situation, and it can look like effort, but it doesn't land like love.

If you're listening to this right now and you're thinking, man, I'm not even sure if I have this awareness piece down, I still want you to hear the rest of this episode. Just hear it with the right frame. Sometimes the most important action you can take is going deeper into awareness first. Slowing down, getting honest, journaling, asking yourself, what is actually happening in me right now and what does this moment actually need from me?

Because you can't take the right step if you don't know what the right step is. Action without clarity is just motion and motion can feel productive, but it's not always helpful.

Now, with that said, action is still the part where things begin to change. Awareness helps you see the pattern. Action is where you interrupt it.

It's how you show up differently in real time, in small repeatable ways. An action in marriage doesn't need to be some big heroic moment. It's much smaller than that. It's when she says something and you feel the heat rise up, the defensiveness, the urge to explain or to correct, and instead of firing back, you slow down and stay present.

It's when you realize you've been distant and you initiate, it's owning your part without turning it into a debate about your intention. It's repairing after a hard moment. Instead of letting the silence stretch for two days, it's asking for what you need directly instead of acting it out through a frustration or withdrawal. That's action, but the hard part isn't knowing what to do.

Most men already have a handful of actions that would help. . Bring it up instead of stuffing it down, apologize instead of moving on, initiate connection instead of waiting, turn towards her instead of checking out, stop making everything a debate. You know, we all know. The issue is that when the moment arrives, the nervous system takes over.

The old habits step in, the body goes first. That's why action isn't just doing. It's practicing. It's repetition. It's retraining your brain and your body. It's building a new response so it's there when you need it, not just when you're calm and listening to a podcast. And let me add one more layer.

Action doesn't always get an immediate reward. You might start showing up differently and your wife might not trust it yet. She might stay guarded. She might not respond the way you hoped, and that's exactly why action needs The third piece we're going to talk about next because without accountability, without support, most men take a few good steps.

Don't see instant results, and then they slide right back into the old pattern. So action matters. It's essential, but it has to be the right action in the right moment for the right reason. And if you're not sure what that is yet, the first action, like I said before, might be deepening awareness until you are, because the goal here isn't just movement, it's real lasting change.

And that takes us to the third leg of the table. Accountability.

[00:09:50] Accountability — Why Change Finally Sticks

Now, this is the piece most men skip. Not because you don't believe in accountability, but because you've been trained to do hard things alone. You don't wanna bother anybody. You don't know how to talk about it, or you look around and realize you don't really have the right people for it. So you do what you've always done, you handle it yourself.

But here's what I've seen over and over again. A man can have awareness. He can even start taking action, and for a little while things may shift. He listens better, he slows down, he initiates more, he owns his part faster, and then life happens. Work gets busy. Stress ramps up, a conversation goes sideways.

Old habits sneak back in, and without accountability, it's incredibly easy to explain it away. To tell yourself that you'll get back to it next week, or that it wasn't that big of a deal, or you already know all this stuff and slowly without realizing it, you're right back to where you started.

This is why accountability matters. Because change in marriage asks more of you than motivation or white knuckling can sustain. Accountability is the container that holds your awareness and action steady over time. It's having someone who can see you clearly when you can't. It's having a place where you can say, this is where I froze, or This is where I avoided without needing to defend yourself.

It's being reminded of what you committed to when your nervous system wants to default back to what's familiar. And here's the part I wanna make really practical. A lot of men think accountability is only for when things are falling apart, but it's often what keeps things from falling apart.

Because when you go home after listening to this episode, you're not going home to the version of yourself that's calm and reflective right now. You're going home to real life. You're going home to the next comment that hits a nerve. The next night, you're tired. The next moment you feel misunderstood, the next time your wife brings something up and you can feel that old reaction starts to rise.

That's the moment you need support. Not later, not after it blows up, not after you've been distant for a week in the moment where you're most likely to default. That's what accountability is for, and it can look different depending on what you need. For some men, it's having a consistent place to stay engaged and keep learning.

For other men, it's more direct support, someone helping you unpack what's happening and stay honest about what you're actually doing. And for a lot of men, it's being in a group where you can't hide.

Because when you're surrounded by other men who are practicing the same things you are, your standards go up. You stop pretending. You didn't notice what happened. You stop rationalizing. You don't slide back into the old pattern, and that's the real function of accountability. It doesn't make you do the work.

It makes it harder to walk away from the work You already said you wanted. When awareness, action, and accountability are all there, the change finally holds. You're not just reacting anymore. You're not starting over every few weeks. You're not relying on willpower to carry you through moments that require steadiness.

There's consistency, and consistency is what builds trust in your marriage and in yourself. That's why accountability isn't the last step because it's optional. It's the last step because it's what allows the first two to actually take root. And once that's in place, change stops feeling like something you're constantly chasing and starts feeling like something you're living.

[00:13:13] Putting It All Together

So let's take this all out of theory and put it into real life because awareness, action and accountability aren't abstract ideas they show up in very specific moments in a normal week.

Here's one, for example. Let's say your wife has been asking you for the same thing for a long time.

Not something huge, just something that matters to her. Follow through. You said you'd handled something, you didn't, you forgot. You put it off, and now she's not even asking the same way anymore. She's shorter. She's colder, or she just stops bringing it up completely.

Awareness is the moment you stop making it about her tone and you actually see what's happening. You see the pattern, not just, yeah, I forgot, but what it's been like for her to ask and ask and ask and feel like she can't count on you. You let yourself feel the weight of that.

Then awareness has to turn into the right action and the right action isn't some grand speech. It's repair. It's you bringing it up before she has to. It's you owning it without defending it. It's you saying simply, you've been right to be frustrated. I haven't followed through. I see what that's done over time.

Then you do the next right thing. You handle what you said you'd handle. You create a simple structure so it doesn't keep happening and you stay emotionally present while she reacts, however she reacts. That's action.

And then comes the part that determines whether this turns into real change or just another short-lived moment. Accountability. Because without it even good action usually has a shelf life. A week goes by, two weeks, maybe a month. Then work gets heavier. A family situation hits, stress, ramps up, and the same pattern quietly comes back online because life gets loud and your old defaults are familiar and easy.

Why accountability matters. Someone other than your wife, A place where you can stay honest about what you're doing and what you're avoiding. A structure that keeps you connected to what you said was important, even when you're tired, distracted, or discouraged. That's the work I do with men, helping you build real awareness, take the right action, and have the accountability to stay consistent when life gets loud.

I just launched something brand new called Better Husband Bootcamp. It's a 12 week small group experience where we focus on all three, awareness, action, and accountability with me and a tight group of men doing this alongside you. If you want details and you wanna apply to the next cohort, go to betterhusbandbootcamp.com applications for this round close on January 31st. And if you're listening to this episode after that, you can join the wait list for the next cohort.

Again, just go to betterhusbandbootcamp.com to learn more.

[00:15:58] What To Do Now

All right. Let's make what you just learned practical. Here's one reflection question for you to improve your awareness and a few simple action steps you can take right now no matter where you are in this process. This week, I want you to focus on one thing.

Start by being honest with yourself about where you are right now. Answer this question. Which part of this process feels the weakest for you right now? Is it awareness, action, or accountability? Not the one you like the most, not the one you think you should be good at, the one that's actually missing or underdeveloped in your day-to-day life.

If it's awareness. Your move this week is to get clearer. Journal for 10 minutes, replay one recent interaction, and ask what was I really feeling right there, and what was I trying to protect? Name the pattern instead of just brushing past it.

If it's action, pick one small concrete step and do it. One conversation you've been avoiding, one repair you've been putting off. One moment where you stay present instead of checking out. Do it imperfectly, but do it on purpose.

And if it's accountability, stop holding this all in your head. Tell someone what you're working on. Say it out loud, what you're committing to and when you're going to do it, put a little structure around it so you're not relying on motivation alone.

Then whichever one you pick, set one simple check-in. Choose a day this week and ask yourself, did I actually do the thing I said I was going to do? Because this work doesn't change your marriage because you understand it. It changes your marriage because you practice it one step at a time over time.

[00:17:33] The Marriage You Want Takes All Three

If there's one thing I want you to take with you from this episode it's this. The marriage you want isn't built by insight alone. It isn't built by effort alone either, and it definitely isn't built in isolation.

It's built when awareness helps you see clearly when action helps you show up differently and when accountability helps you Keep going long after the motivation fades. Most guys don't struggle from a lack of motivation. They struggle because they're trying to do all of this in their head on their own, and you don't have to.

If you want help putting all of these three into your life awareness, action, and accountability, that's exactly what Better Husband Bootcamp has been built for.

You can learn more and apply at betterhusbandbootcamp.com or click the link in the show notes. Thanks for being here, and thanks for taking the time to keep building your awareness, taking the action, and reaching out for accountability. You're listening to Better Husband. I'm Angelo Santiago, and I'll see you on the next one.